Identity Crisis
5 days ago
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Long week
A few weeks ago I hurt my back at work. My superiors suggested that I get checked out to ensure a greater problem did not develop. After much persuasion from my beautifully kind wife and a little persuasion from an intensifying pain growing in my back and neck I saw the back specialist. To my surprise, because my lack of faith in hospitals, the doctor found some issues with my back and sent me to the Physical Therapist immediately. Since then I have been doing some physical therapy with the supervision of the back specialist and throughout the whole process my work has been extremely supportive.
This is not what I am writing about however, though I almost wish it was. During one of the visits, the doctor realized he never x-rayed my neck. So he sent me in to get a few x-rays of my neck and spine, after which I returned to the room and waited for the doctor. After a few moments the doctor walked in and without saying a word he started feeling my neck. He stepped back and got this look then continued to feel my neck, almost as if he wished he was wrong. Obliviously at this point my mind is racing to figure out what could he possibly be doing. I’m thinking, hoping, secretly praying that it is something like tonsillitis. He then asked me how long have I had ‘that.’ My puzzled look must have given away that I had no idea what he was talking about since he then instructed me to feel my neck. It felt normal to me…. but I’m not a doctor.
“Do you feel that lump right there?”
“uh-hu”
“Do you feel it on the other side?”
“um…no not really”
“exactly”
“. . . “
“Do you have a history of lymphoma?” The question alone was enough to strike the match. A knife in the dark. The bright blue sky became a sunless overcast. For a brief moment dread, fear, panic became my friends. My mother passed away from lymphoma and my father has it. After a few breaths the dread, fear, and panic left. My everlasting friend, Jesus, was on my side. Don’t misunderstand my words here. I wish I could have been somewhere far away from this. Somewhere, anywhere better. This is bigger than me. At first I felt like I could hardly hold on. But this is where I am. And yet, I am already somewhere better. I am in Christ. Nowhere else I’d rather be. As you could image the doctor had his concerns, but he was my workers-comp doctor. He wasn’t allowed to do anything about this for me. However, he asked his radiologist friend to take a look at the x-rays for me. I would get more information in about a week when I had my next appointment.
Now I faced my next challenge. How do I tell my wife? I was going to see her at her workplace. I did not want to tell her at her workplace. However, she was expecting to see and hear from me. How do you explain what is going on without bringing terror? I know my words won’t come out right. I know my words would pour out like a cup of water against a brick wall when she heard the words “the doctor found something.” What do you do? I’ll tell you what you do during that solemn hour. You cheat. You asked the Comforter to do His thing. Play dirty and get God involved. That’s what I did. He was good and gave her strength. He already has made her a strong woman but the Comforter certainly did His thing.
Following that scene was an exhausting week of fading motivation for homework before finals. I wish I could say I was so strong that I didn’t cry, but truthfully I was too weak to cry. I was hoping that a tear somewhere else might escape to heaven for me. I prayed. I wished I had some clever rehearsed words to say, but I had nothing. I am not so brave. I wanted to get away but didn’t know how. I couldn’t even ask God to take it away. All I could ask was him to be glorified and to give me the strength and endurance to be faithful to whatever end. I had confidence in His being glorified but doubted my strength. Dark days are tiring. Anyone who has gone through any dark days where times are strange can tell you that it is exhausting. Add that with a pain in your back that already exhausts you and leaves you restless and you find yourself at a day worse than yesterday.
On top of that I didn’t know who to tell. I didn’t know what to tell. I didn’t know how to tell. So I didn’t really tell anyone. My wife knew. My brother knew. That’s about it. I didn’t want to say anything prematurely. Though now thinking back on it a little more clearly I wish I asked people to pray for me earlier. I still haven’t been able to tell everyone. It’s not something you just want to pick up the phone and talk about.
Anyway the week progressed. We had no plans. We figured the doctor would probably want a biopsy and a bunch of other things which our terrible insurance wouldn’t cover. Our terrible insurance which just days prior decided they would drop us since we moved to Texas. We disagreed slightly about how to handle the situation. She wanted me to get checked out and I wanted to just hope for better days. She seemed to think that I was broken more than a needle and thread could fix. I married up. :-) Though we disagreed we were definitely too weak to actually fight or anything.
Thanksgiving break ended and Monday followed, which was the day of my next appointment. Truthfully I was hoping that the doctor would forget to mention it. I even told that to my lovely wife, who then told me if I didn’t remind the doctor she would take a vacation day and make me. After the physical therapy I had my appointment with the doctor. The first thing he did was pull out the x-ray report on the lump. The radiologist was nice and vague. Essentially he said it could have been anything, including a few worse things. The doctor however, seemed more concerned that before. For this I am grateful. He insisted that I took copies of the x-rays and the radiologist report. I was supposed to take these to a primary care physician.
After some effectively gentle ‘encouragement’ from my sweet wife I decided to go to the doctor on campus. If I haven’t revealed it by now let me state it clearly. Not only am I a coward on general principals, I am a bigger coward regarding hospitals. Medical stuff gives me the willies, the heebee jeebees, the yucks, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Truthfully I was more concerned about the lump causing me to be in the hospital more than killing me. I may have looked controlled on the outside as I waited in the lobby for the doctor, but on the inside I was a child trembling in the corner trying to find a way out. Once the doctor came in and reviewed the information, I though I would be waiting for some blood test or something. However, he simply said “it’s probably nothing, you don’t have lymphoma.”
Hope? Confusion? What!?!
His logic made a lot of sense to me, but I’m not a doctor. He seemed extremely confident that I’m fine. I’ve had the lump for awhile and I wouldn’t have noticed it if the back specialists didn’t. The campus doctor even said he wouldn’t even pursue figuring out why I had it. Essentially I was guided to be concerned if it changed size or anything.
Hope? Confusion? What!?!
I’ve received three very different views. 1) It’s most likely cancer 2) Could be anything including nothing and something worse 3) It’s most likely nothing.
Well, what do you do? Three answers. I have my preference but what should you do? I’ll tell you what you do during that solemn hour. You cheat. You asked the Comforter to do His thing. Play dirty and get God involved. That’s what I did.
So I’m praying and seeking wisdom. I trust that God has worked this through the counsel of his will (Ephesians 1:11) and that God will complete the work he has started in me (Philippians 1:6).
God is Good
This is not what I am writing about however, though I almost wish it was. During one of the visits, the doctor realized he never x-rayed my neck. So he sent me in to get a few x-rays of my neck and spine, after which I returned to the room and waited for the doctor. After a few moments the doctor walked in and without saying a word he started feeling my neck. He stepped back and got this look then continued to feel my neck, almost as if he wished he was wrong. Obliviously at this point my mind is racing to figure out what could he possibly be doing. I’m thinking, hoping, secretly praying that it is something like tonsillitis. He then asked me how long have I had ‘that.’ My puzzled look must have given away that I had no idea what he was talking about since he then instructed me to feel my neck. It felt normal to me…. but I’m not a doctor.
“Do you feel that lump right there?”
“uh-hu”
“Do you feel it on the other side?”
“um…no not really”
“exactly”
“. . . “
“Do you have a history of lymphoma?” The question alone was enough to strike the match. A knife in the dark. The bright blue sky became a sunless overcast. For a brief moment dread, fear, panic became my friends. My mother passed away from lymphoma and my father has it. After a few breaths the dread, fear, and panic left. My everlasting friend, Jesus, was on my side. Don’t misunderstand my words here. I wish I could have been somewhere far away from this. Somewhere, anywhere better. This is bigger than me. At first I felt like I could hardly hold on. But this is where I am. And yet, I am already somewhere better. I am in Christ. Nowhere else I’d rather be. As you could image the doctor had his concerns, but he was my workers-comp doctor. He wasn’t allowed to do anything about this for me. However, he asked his radiologist friend to take a look at the x-rays for me. I would get more information in about a week when I had my next appointment.
Now I faced my next challenge. How do I tell my wife? I was going to see her at her workplace. I did not want to tell her at her workplace. However, she was expecting to see and hear from me. How do you explain what is going on without bringing terror? I know my words won’t come out right. I know my words would pour out like a cup of water against a brick wall when she heard the words “the doctor found something.” What do you do? I’ll tell you what you do during that solemn hour. You cheat. You asked the Comforter to do His thing. Play dirty and get God involved. That’s what I did. He was good and gave her strength. He already has made her a strong woman but the Comforter certainly did His thing.
Following that scene was an exhausting week of fading motivation for homework before finals. I wish I could say I was so strong that I didn’t cry, but truthfully I was too weak to cry. I was hoping that a tear somewhere else might escape to heaven for me. I prayed. I wished I had some clever rehearsed words to say, but I had nothing. I am not so brave. I wanted to get away but didn’t know how. I couldn’t even ask God to take it away. All I could ask was him to be glorified and to give me the strength and endurance to be faithful to whatever end. I had confidence in His being glorified but doubted my strength. Dark days are tiring. Anyone who has gone through any dark days where times are strange can tell you that it is exhausting. Add that with a pain in your back that already exhausts you and leaves you restless and you find yourself at a day worse than yesterday.
On top of that I didn’t know who to tell. I didn’t know what to tell. I didn’t know how to tell. So I didn’t really tell anyone. My wife knew. My brother knew. That’s about it. I didn’t want to say anything prematurely. Though now thinking back on it a little more clearly I wish I asked people to pray for me earlier. I still haven’t been able to tell everyone. It’s not something you just want to pick up the phone and talk about.
Anyway the week progressed. We had no plans. We figured the doctor would probably want a biopsy and a bunch of other things which our terrible insurance wouldn’t cover. Our terrible insurance which just days prior decided they would drop us since we moved to Texas. We disagreed slightly about how to handle the situation. She wanted me to get checked out and I wanted to just hope for better days. She seemed to think that I was broken more than a needle and thread could fix. I married up. :-) Though we disagreed we were definitely too weak to actually fight or anything.
Thanksgiving break ended and Monday followed, which was the day of my next appointment. Truthfully I was hoping that the doctor would forget to mention it. I even told that to my lovely wife, who then told me if I didn’t remind the doctor she would take a vacation day and make me. After the physical therapy I had my appointment with the doctor. The first thing he did was pull out the x-ray report on the lump. The radiologist was nice and vague. Essentially he said it could have been anything, including a few worse things. The doctor however, seemed more concerned that before. For this I am grateful. He insisted that I took copies of the x-rays and the radiologist report. I was supposed to take these to a primary care physician.
After some effectively gentle ‘encouragement’ from my sweet wife I decided to go to the doctor on campus. If I haven’t revealed it by now let me state it clearly. Not only am I a coward on general principals, I am a bigger coward regarding hospitals. Medical stuff gives me the willies, the heebee jeebees, the yucks, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Truthfully I was more concerned about the lump causing me to be in the hospital more than killing me. I may have looked controlled on the outside as I waited in the lobby for the doctor, but on the inside I was a child trembling in the corner trying to find a way out. Once the doctor came in and reviewed the information, I though I would be waiting for some blood test or something. However, he simply said “it’s probably nothing, you don’t have lymphoma.”
Hope? Confusion? What!?!
His logic made a lot of sense to me, but I’m not a doctor. He seemed extremely confident that I’m fine. I’ve had the lump for awhile and I wouldn’t have noticed it if the back specialists didn’t. The campus doctor even said he wouldn’t even pursue figuring out why I had it. Essentially I was guided to be concerned if it changed size or anything.
Hope? Confusion? What!?!
I’ve received three very different views. 1) It’s most likely cancer 2) Could be anything including nothing and something worse 3) It’s most likely nothing.
Well, what do you do? Three answers. I have my preference but what should you do? I’ll tell you what you do during that solemn hour. You cheat. You asked the Comforter to do His thing. Play dirty and get God involved. That’s what I did.
So I’m praying and seeking wisdom. I trust that God has worked this through the counsel of his will (Ephesians 1:11) and that God will complete the work he has started in me (Philippians 1:6).
God is Good
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